Sincere Intentions

Why are we so afraid to show people who we really are?  Why do we want to hide our true emotions?  Although I understand the importance of a filter for what is appropriate and not appropriate to say, why do we want to hide what we think?  Why can’t we be comfortable with who we are?  Can’t we still make a good first impression by being ourselves?  What good is a first impression if it’s fake anyway?  What good is a relationship anyway if it’s based on superficial expectations of how we “should” act? Or focused on saying “the right things?”  How can we expect to make any real connections with people without being real?  How can people know our true intentions if our actions aren’t congruent with our emotions or values?

“People Pleasing”

People in general want to be liked by others.  They want to feel connected.  I believe most people are inherently good.  Still, they don’t want to show everyone completely who they are for fear that people won’t like them.  They seem to hide some emotions or things that they’re insecure about.

Led by fear, many downplay or disregard their own opinions or feelings.  They may go along with whatever another person thinks or wants.  They become so afraid of rejection that they close up, get quiet, and don’t act like their normal selves.  Without ability to express opinions or feelings, the result is people-pleasing, possible resentment that others can’t mind read, and inability to express one’s true self or get one’s own needs met. 

“Barbie Face”

Have you ever tried to express sympathy to someone going through a hard time and the person smiles and says, “It’s all right,” or laughs through it?  It is common for many to think they need to act happy all the time.   Those with this mentality may have been raised with this expectation.  What comes across as perfectly normal to them is often superficial to others.  They feel like they have to keep a smile on their faces even when talking about hard things. 

Much accredited to Toy Story, I describe people like this as having the “Barbie Face.”  People may react this way to try to avoid feeling negative emotions or at least to hide any negative emotion from others.  They may fear that others will assume they are “doom and gloom.”  The reason for fake smiling is that it can be uncomfortable for them to express how they really feel, partly out of fear of how others would react. 

Feeling negative emotions is an important part of life.  It is more normal to be able to express those feelings rather than to bottle them up or smile them away.

Vulnerability

What are we afraid of?  Only each person can answer for himself.  I imagine that for many, it may be fear of offending people, fear of difference of opinion, fear of rejection, or fear of not being validated.  When I have not been genuine, I realize I’m trying to protect myself or others, but all I’m really doing is lying to avoid feeling vulnerable. 

I also realize that connections with others can be lost or become more distant when I’m insincere.  On the flip side, when I have learned that someone else was dishonest with me in the form of being insincere, I have been frustrated because I feel like the relationship isn’t real and I can’t be a good friend if I don’t know what they’re really thinking or feeling.

As painful as it may be at times, any close relationship is built on honesty in every aspect of life.  Notice I didn’t say “should be built.”  I said “is built.”  This is not to say that we shouldn’t filter what we say.  If we didn’t, there would be a lot of unnecessary, self-incriminating, or offensive information offered. I don’t know how someone could feel closer in a relationship without more open communication, especially when being genuine is paired with consideration for others.  The more sincere and honest we become, the closer we can feel to each other.  And isn’t it true that the closer we feel to someone, the more genuine we become?

Getting Personal

For me, the best friendships are those based on honesty and consideration for one another.  Two of my closest Latina friends are great at being genuine.  I don’t know if it is part of their culture, but I think culture can take some of the credit.  They are the most sincere people I know in expressing their emotions—both positive and negative.  They’re not afraid to tell me how much they care about me or how much they appreciate seeing me.  They are also some of the most honest friends I have and will be frank with me when I ask them their opinion.  Even when they give advice or constructive criticism and it’s something I may not want to hear, they still have the ability to express their opinions without being offensive. And I change for the better.  I love friends like this. 

This quote from You’ve Got Mail says so much:  “Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.”  If we’re acting like someone we are not, what is the relationship built on?  It is only when we are genuine that we can be our best selves.  That is the person that people should get to know because if we aren’t genuine, then who are we?