“People Pleasing”
People in general want to be liked by others. They want to feel connected. I believe most people are inherently
good. Still, they don’t want to show
everyone completely who they are for fear that people won’t like them. They seem to hide some emotions or things
that they’re insecure about.
Led by fear, many downplay or disregard their own
opinions or feelings. They may go along
with whatever another person thinks or wants.
They become so afraid of rejection that they close up, get quiet, and
don’t act like their normal selves.
Without ability to express opinions or feelings, the result is
people-pleasing, possible resentment that others can’t mind read, and inability
to express one’s true self or get one’s own needs met.
“Barbie Face”
Have you ever tried to express sympathy to someone going
through a hard time and the person smiles and says, “It’s all right,” or laughs
through it? It is common for many to
think they need to act happy all the time.
Those with this mentality may have been raised with this
expectation. What comes across as
perfectly normal to them is often superficial to others. They feel like they have to keep a smile on
their faces even when talking about hard things.
Much accredited to Toy Story, I describe people like this
as having the “Barbie Face.” People may
react this way to try to avoid feeling negative emotions or at least to hide
any negative emotion from others. They
may fear that others will assume they are “doom and gloom.” The reason for fake smiling is that it can be
uncomfortable for them to express how they really feel, partly out of fear of
how others would react.
Feeling negative emotions is an important part of
life. It is more normal to be able to
express those feelings rather than to bottle them up or smile them away.
Vulnerability
What are we afraid of?
Only each person can answer for himself.
I imagine that for many, it may be fear of offending people, fear of
difference of opinion, fear of rejection, or fear of not being validated. When I have not been genuine, I realize I’m
trying to protect myself or others, but all I’m really doing is lying to avoid
feeling vulnerable.
I also realize that connections with others can be lost
or become more distant when I’m insincere.
On the flip side, when I have learned that someone else was dishonest
with me in the form of being insincere, I have been frustrated because I feel
like the relationship isn’t real and I can’t be a good friend if I don’t know
what they’re really thinking or feeling.
As painful as it may be at times, any close relationship
is built on honesty in every aspect of life.
Notice I didn’t say “should be built.”
I said “is built.” This is not to
say that we shouldn’t filter what we say.
If we didn’t, there would be a lot of unnecessary, self-incriminating,
or offensive information offered. I don’t know how someone could feel closer in
a relationship without more open communication, especially when being genuine
is paired with consideration for others.
The more sincere and honest we become, the closer we can feel to each
other. And isn’t it true that the closer
we feel to someone, the more genuine we become?
Getting Personal
For me, the best friendships are those based on honesty and
consideration for one another. Two of my
closest Latina friends are great at being genuine. I don’t know if it is part of their culture,
but I think culture can take some of the credit. They are the most sincere people I know in
expressing their emotions—both positive and negative. They’re not afraid to tell me how much they
care about me or how much they appreciate seeing me. They are also some of the most honest friends
I have and will be frank with me when I ask them their opinion. Even when they give advice or constructive
criticism and it’s something I may not want to hear, they still have the
ability to express their opinions without being offensive. And I change for the
better. I love friends like this.
This quote from You’ve Got Mail says so much: “Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin
by being personal.” If we’re acting like
someone we are not, what is the relationship built on? It is only when we are genuine that we can be
our best selves. That is the person that
people should get to know because if we aren’t genuine, then who are we?
