I’m single. It’s not the first thing that comes to mind to describe myself. In fact, it never comes to mind when telling people about myself. But it is often an important detail to society. Even though I don’t think “single” defines who I am, I here mention some of the things I’ve learned about being in this phase of life, much of which I am still working on applying.
Happiness no matter what phase of life
“Are you married?” is a question I get a lot from my clients. Once, I had a thirteen-year-old ask me, “Do you even want to get married?” In their minds, they think that I must not want to get married if I’m not married already. And they have even been shocked when I told them I’m happy. It’s not, “I’m happy because I’m single,” or, “I’m happy despite being single.” It’s simply, “I’m happy.”
As single people, we are encouraged to get married and have families. So automatically, we can get frustrated if we’re not married. But should we be miserable if it hasn’t happened yet? Do you think married couples who can’t have children should also go around being miserable because they can’t fulfill one of God’s commandments? You can be happy while waiting. Being okay with being single doesn’t mean you don’t want to get married. It just means you’re okay with who you are. You learn patience along the way. You learn about yourself. And you learn how to turn a perceived trial into a phase of life to be grateful for.
There are some people who clearly convey this message: “If I’m dating someone, I’m happy. If I’m single, I’m miserable.” Luckily, I don’t hang around those people too often. What are the moments you have been happiest in your life? I’d hope they’re not solely related to when you have been dating someone. And it’s not to say marriage can’t add to your happiness. But my happiest moments have been when I am productive with my time and fill life with meaningful things, and that has no relation to my marital status.
Have you ever spent time with someone who seems to be envious of what everyone else has and can’t seem to find the positive in their own lives? Maybe you’re that person. They may envy those who get to go on dates all the time or those who are married. They see everyone else through rose-colored glasses. Those who date all the time may be sick of dating or may not be getting asked out by the one person they are interested in; those who get asked out may not even want to go on dates with the people asking them out and can be very frustrated with the dating scene; and those who are married can have a number of problems in their marriage that I won’t even begin to try to list. No matter who you see as having it together, I guarantee they all have their own set of trials. And each can work on finding happiness no matter what phase of life.
When I’m Married…
Sometimes people wait around to do things they want to do because they think they’ll have time for it when they’re married. What’s more extreme is some with the attitude that they’ll be happy when they’re married. Not very realistic. What’s the point of waiting around for that?
Happiness comes from liking who you are. It also comes from knowing who you are, knowing what you need to work on to become a better person, knowing what you want in life, and knowing how to give of yourself.
A while ago, my mom told me that even though when you’re married and you are supposed to be united with your spouse, you are still individuals. We each have a purpose. Our purpose is not to wait for someone else to give us purpose. If you don’t make time now for things that matter most, it will be no different when you’re married. And if you’re not happy now, I would imagine that marriage would only be a temporary fix for unhappiness. Happiness is more a way of being and an attitude rather than something given to you.
Yes, a huge part of life is to have our own families. You can sit around and think all about how much you want to be a spouse and you want to have children, but you then make yourself stuck. Think about what you can be doing with your time and efforts in this phase of life. Embrace the possibilities. Wanting to be a spouse and parent is unselfish, but you can also be unselfish in your single-ness and do so much good now.
Build Communication Skills
“The deepest way in which we are right or wrong is in our way of being toward others.” The Anatomy of Peace
The reason some relationships don’t work out is lack of communication. Selfishness gets in the way of being willing to communicate. It is so easy to be selfish in relationships, but not in the way one usually is selfish. People, in one form or another, put up walls to try to protect themselves. They don’t open up about their feelings or don’t want to talk to get clarification, automatically assume something negative, and then end the relationship.
It’s so common especially for girls to assume the worst because they’ve gotten hurt before. They assume a guy has done or not done something, or said or not said something to hurt them. In reality, from his perspective, he may have no stinking clue that he did anything and only wonders why the girl is so emotional. With only mind reading and not talking about things, we can’t build a relationship because we can’t understand the other person and are always on the defensive. I’m not saying to always assume the best either. Communication is about finding out what is reality.
If you work on developing relationships with others in general, it is that much easier to not be selfish in a romantic relationship.
Fireworks—Not Initially Necessary
A guy friend once asked me how a date went. I told him about the date and ended my feelings about it by saying, “I don’t know.” My friend’s reply was, “Now wait a minute. You don’t know? After one date, you don’t know?!” That’s all he needed to say. Lesson learned.
There are instances when people say they hit it off on the first date. That means different things for different people. But it often means there are sparks and they can see it working long-term with the other person.
I was told by a couple who has been married for over twenty years that if the main reason you marry someone is for looks, it’s going to be a difficult adjustment when those looks go away. That’s not to say you should marry someone if you’re not attracted to them. But hopefully you’re attracted to them for more than just their looks.
I love hearing stories of people who say that someone was more attractive the more they got to know them. A spark could fly right away, but it comes gradually for others, and that’s okay.
Stop Being a Hypocrite
Just ponder these examples:
1. We want so much to be loved, but we’re upset when someone doesn’t love us back. And yet, if there is someone we know we aren’t interested in, we just want them to leave us alone.
2. If we’re interested in a specific person, we want their attention to be fully on us. But we’re totally fine flirting with multiple people ourselves.
Notice the hypocrisy and work on eliminating it.
“There must be something wrong with you”?
That statement is something often said to explain why someone is not married. It is more often targeted at men, but nonetheless may be directed at either gender. What is wrong with this statement? Nothing exactly. There is something wrong with everyone. Sure, you can think about what you may need to change about yourself in order to get married. But change because you want to change. And make changes to become a better person. Think of the type of people you like to be around the most. Then try to develop some of those same characteristics. But rude or nice, confident or no self-esteem whatsoever, good dresser or bad dresser, wearer of makeup or not, ugly or beautiful, any shape and size, shy or outgoing, awkward or normal—they’ve all gotten married.
Maybe the biggest thing “wrong with you” is not making an effort to put yourself out there. If you don’t seek for opportunities to date, it’s likely you will keep your singlehood awhile longer. Others are fortunate enough to not have to make much effort at all, but it’s not good to try to bank on that. To misquote Shakespeare, “some achieve [marriage] and some have [marriage] thrust upon them.” Most are of the former variety rather than the latter.
Rejection is Part of Life
I’m so tired of hearing people say to a single person, “Well he must be an idiot if he doesn’t like you.” Why? What makes him an idiot? When someone doesn’t ask you out, this is my favorite explanation: “He must be gay.” That’s right, idiot or gay; there are no other alternatives. While those things may be true, I think it’s the exception rather than the norm for reasons they reject you. My response in the past when people have said that to me has been, “No, he’d be an idiot if he continued to date me when he wasn’t interested.”
Be okay with others not being romantically interested. And here’s a piece of advice that may be hard to swallow: be okay if you see they choose someone else over you. As single people, we are most easily offended when it comes to dating relationships. What we fail to remind ourselves of is that most people don’t want to intentionally hurt us and most people are not vicious.
“I Hate My Life!!!” vs “A Blessing in Disguise” Mentality
People often revert to what I like to call “teenage angst tendencies” after a breakup. They can hate the world and think that life is over. Can someone ruin your life by rejecting you? No. You may feel that way, but you can always pick yourself back up, no matter how painful the process may be. You can eventually come to the realization of something that a good friend of mine would word so beautifully: “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? That’s stupid.”
While talking about dating, a friend recently commented that often trials are blessings in disguise. Love can be blind, but once you’re not in a relationship, you can sometimes see so clearly why it wouldn’t have worked out and then be grateful that it didn’t work out.
I don’t know how you can get over the hurt. Each person has to figure that out on his own. But expect that hurt may come again, and be okay with that possibility. There has to be a healthy balance between knowing things may not work out and taking the risk to see if another relationship will work out.
Don’t Expect Return on Investment All the Time
“Love sought is good, but giv'n unsought is better.” William Shakespeare
I know very little about investing, but I know a lot about saving. I know I can have money by not spending it. Life is a lot less stressful that way. But if I just leave it in a bank account, I will not get much of a profit from my savings. When talking with my dad about investing, it was scary because I told him I don’t want to lose any of my hard-earned money. He responded by reminding me that I could gain so much more by taking risks and investing some of that money. I’ve since followed his advice.
Much like investing money, in trying to develop a romantic relationship, we often have to go through many successes and failures. That’s life. Many people lack confidence and would rather suppose someone is not interested before even giving the other a chance to reject them. You may protect your heart that way, but you’ll never know if the other is interested unless you take the risk.
No one is immune to getting his heart broken. Some may become jaded, calloused, bitter, or a number of other things. That is a direct result of having experienced heartbreak and being unable to heal completely or being fearful of experiencing heartbreak again.
Some of the best dating advice I’ve gotten was this: “Stop being selfish. Focus on getting to know the other person, without expecting anything in return.” In other words, get over yourself and move on. Don’t let past heartbreak prevent future chances for heartbreak. By this I’m not saying to be blind or desperate or to date because that will help you get over the other person. It is important to learn what works and what doesn’t work for you in relationships and to use that experience when deciding to date again. That’s wise investing.
