Eating Disorders in Layman’s Terms

What's the Main Cause?

Most people probably know someone or have suspected they know someone with an eating disorder.  However, most people don’t get why anyone has an eating disorder.  People I talk to about my job often ask me what the main cause of eating disorders is.  It’s not that straightforward.  There are many contributing factors which could lead to an eating disorder.  One could have some or all of these:  

1. Genetics
2. Parents’ or friends’ beliefs about and behaviors with food
3. Comments from others about their body size or food intake
4. Depression or other mental illness
5. Emotions which trigger lack of or increase in appetite
6. Wanting a sense of control
7. History of trauma or abuse
8. Dieting gone horribly awry
9. Focus on the media’s ideals of body image
10. Distorted body image (body dysmorphia)
11. Desire to avoid or numb out using eating disorder behaviors

Why Can’t They Just Eat?

Even though I don’t know perfectly how the people I work with feel and believe, let me try to explain as best I can how the eating disordered mind works.  These are common obsessive thoughts consuming their time:

1. I don’t deserve food.
2. Too much food (which could mean normal portions of food) will make me fat.
3. That type of food (which could mean anything with calories) will make me fat.
4. I can’t enjoy the taste of food.
5. I need to feel empty.
6. If I eat, I’m weak.
7. I am bad if I eat “bad” food.
8. I am disgusting if I eat “bad” food.
9. It is better to not eat than to put “unhealthy” food in my body.
10. If I eat this type of food, I need to get rid of it by purging (through vomiting, exercising, or using laxatives).
11. I am in control when I restrict and am out of control if I eat (or eat more than what I have in my head is okay to eat).
12. If I give in to eating bad food, I’ve blown it and may as well eat a lot of it.  Then afterward, I will never eat it again.
13. I need to weigh ___.
14. I’m fat.
15. I am never thin enough.
16. If I eat foods high in fat or sugar, I will instantly gain a lot of weight.

The list could go on.  In addition, some develop an eating disorder of a different kind where there is less fear about food and more emotions causing decreased desire to eat.  I've counseled some so depressed that they don't eat even though they love food.  Some are so anxious that they feel nauseated and may involuntarily vomit when they eat a normal amount of food because the anxiety is so high.  This is one reason why treatment for the eating disorder requires not only therapy and dietary counseling but also medications. 

Behaviors Indicating an Eating Disorder

1. Unhealthy obsession about food, calories, and weight
2. Frequent talk about weight and food
3. Tendency to cook or bake a lot but not eat the food they prepare
4. Going to the bathroom right after eating
5. Eating very slowly and picking at food
6. Eating in secret
7. Telling people they have already eaten so they don't have to eat in social settings
8. Telling people they have allergies to certain foods or are vegan or gluten-intolerant or have some other dietary restriction so as to make it more socially acceptable to avoid eating
9. Excessively exercising

Physical Results

1. loss of hair or poorer growth and condition of hair
2. slower growth of nails or brittle nails
3. inability to regulate temperature
4. lanugo
5. decreased immune function
6. poorer wound healing
7. bruising easily 
8. impairment in ability to create hormones and neurotransmitters
9. decreased libido
10. bone loss
11. muscle loss
12. tingling
13. dizziness
14. headaches
15. shakiness
16. decreased heart function
17. electrolyte imbalance
18. a number of digestive issues ranging from diarrhea, constipation, gas, cramping, bloating, and acid reflux
19. possibility of ulcers or esophageal tears if inducing vomiting
20. decreased energy, concentration, and memory
21. swollen glands from purging
22. dryer skin and lips
23. increase in sensitivity in teeth or increase in cavities due to loss of enamel from lack of protein in the diet or from purging
24. muscles spasms, weakness, and cramps
25. loss of menstrual cycle for women
26. permanent brain damage

Can't I Tell Just By Looking?

You cannot tell just by looking whether someone has an eating disorder or not.  The women I work with can be any size or shape.  It can be easy to identify that someone has an eating disorder who is severely underweight or morbidly obese.  (I wish that we would call it "morbidly underweight" as well.)  Any of the symptoms listed above are experienced by all weight ranges if the eating disorder behaviors are severe enough.  The worst thing someone with an eating disorder could hear from a doctor is, "You don't look like you have an eating disorder."  And some of them are brilliant enough to say that.

What I've Loved This Christmas

I love being around Christlike people, especially old people.  I love gaining wisdom from them.  They have so many experiences to share.

I love helping others in need, but I always feel that I am more blessed than the one I help because it makes me feel so happy to help them.

I love how unselfish people can be at Christmastime and wish the season would last all year!  I have so much to work on to become more unselfish.

I love studying the life of Christ in the New Testament and learning by His example.

I love songs about Christ, listening to them and singing them.  I heard a verse to “The First Noel” that I had never heard before.

Then let us all with one accord
Sing praises to our heavenly Lord
That hath made heav’n and earth of nought
And with his blood mankind has bought.

I love the last verse of “In the Bleak Midwinter.”

What can I give Him, Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb.
If I were a wise man, I would do my part.
Yet what I can I give him, Give my heart.

Most of all, I was touched listening to Jane Seymour tell the story of King Wenceslas at the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas concert while the choir sang intermittently. 

Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen,
When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even;
Brightly shone the moon that night, tho' the frost was cruel,
When a poor man came in sight, gath'ring winter fuel. 

"Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know'st it, telling,
Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling?"
"Sire, he lives a good league hence, underneath the mountain;
Right against the forest fence, by Saint Agnes' fountain."

"Bring me flesh, and bring me wine, bring me pine logs hither:
Thou and I will see him dine, when we bear them thither."
Page and monarch, forth they went, forth they went together;
Through the rude wind's wild lament and the bitter weather.

"Sire, the night is darker now, and the wind blows stronger;
Fails my heart, I know not how; I can go no longer."
"Mark my footsteps, good my page. Tread thou in them boldly
Thou shalt find the winter's rage freeze thy blood less coldly." 

In his master's steps he trod, where the snow lay dinted;
Heat was in the very sod which the saint had printed.
Therefore, Christian men, be sure, wealth or rank possessing,
Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing.

Can I Get A Witness?

I was subpoenaed to testify before a judge yesterday.  I never thought I'd have to do that.  I was SO NERVOUS about it.  Since it was a 90 minute drive, I had a lot of time to think about it and try to calm myself.  The only reassuring thought was, "At least I'm not on trial."

Before walking in the building

As soon as I got there, the first question I was asked was, "Are you the judge?"  After taking that as a compliment on my attire, I told them I was just the dietitian.

They led me into a room, but before I got into that room, I saw that the person I was testifying against was in fact present.  My anxiety escalated dramatically at that moment.

I had a lot of time to wait.  I sat in a waiting room for an hour and forty-five minutes before they called me in to testify.  I freaked out about how this day could affect my client's life.  I came to a realization that really helped calm me down: I was hear to testify for a client; I wasn't there to testify against anyone.

My time finally came to testify, and I felt calm and nervous at the same time.  I was able to answer questions without feeling intimidated.  When I was done, the lawyer walked me out and told me that my client will appreciate me testifying for her.  He thanked me for being candid and told me I was very professional.  I thanked him and then booked it out of there as soon as I could.

I'm done!

I drove to a nearby temple to feel peace again before making the journey home.  It was a gorgeous day and perfect for a nice stroll.

On the drive home, this gospel song kept popping up in my head.  Click to listen to "Testify" I listened to songs and belted them at the top of my lungs the whole drive home. Very therapeutic.

I'm still nervous about the outcome.  It was what I thought about before I went to bed and as soon as I woke up.  But I will try to keep my mind off of it.

Through this experience, I learned some things and came to some conclusions.

1. When put under oath, you don't swear on the Bible anymore and it doesn't end in "so help you God."  That was disheartening.
2. I can be intimidated by people who are in the wrong.
3. I don't like people attacking my credibility as a witness.
4. I don't like feeling hatred emanate from someone's presence.
5. I can defend my credibility.
6. I like defending truth.
7. Defending truth can lead to extreme and unrealistic fears that your life will be threatened or taken.
8. I like wearing a suit.
9. Being called an expert is empowering and fun.
10. Everything spoken would be more powerful with a gospel choir in the background!

Nonessential Gratitude

"So much has been given to me; I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied." Helen Keller

There are so many things I am grateful for.  But this is a list of the top ten external things that make me happy that are absolutely nonessential for life.  I noticed that many of these are related to nature, and all of them have to do with relaxation for me.

Catnaps. There’s no way to describe the warmth of the sun touching skin and hair.  That warmth becomes part of you and sends you into sweet repose.

Good smells.  Rain, lilies, really good perfume or cologne, new car, almond extract, chocolate chip cookies in the oven, Bounce sheets.

Ballroom dancing. The act of or just watching it.  It’s so graceful and elegant.  My favorite form of physical activity.

Music.  So many kinds I don't want to list them.  Truly a universal language.

Blankets. Warm and snuggly.

Lightning storms.  Breathtaking, heavenly, exciting, peaceful, mesmerizing.

The beach. The sound of the ocean, the sun, the breeze, seashells, looking for dolphins on the horizon, sunsets, seashells.  So many happy things!

Mountaintops.  Breathtaking views, heavenly smells.

Starry night skies. Not only beautiful but also a reminder of how God’s creations are infinite.

Snowfall.  Watching it inside at night with the house lights off. So cozy!

Avoidance

During the summer, I saw the most fun flower ever while grocery shopping.  I fell in love with it and wanted to take it home because 1. it was my favorite color 2. it was from Africa, and 3. it was unique and I had never seen anything like it!  I have never owned a plant, and I feared I would kill it in less than a week.  But I took it home.  It made me so happy.  I kept it alive for at least a month, which may not be an accomplishment to some, but it was for me.  Buying that flower taught me a lesson.

In so many circumstances, we avoid.  We avoid talking about our feelings, we avoid trying things we think we may fail at, and we even avoid giving someone our honest opinion when that is what they desire most.  Sometimes we avoid saying no.  More surprisingly, we even avoid saying yes.

Avoidance creates dishonesty with self and with others.  It masks our true opinions and feelings.  It is a defense mechanism used to protect self and others.  But what does it protect us from?  Potential for failure, rejection, or change?  Yes.  But coincidentally, we also prevent our ability to learn, grow, and succeed.  Some people continue working at a dissatisfying job because they’re afraid they won’t be good at anything else.  Instead of talking to a spouse about their relationship, some choose divorce because they fear that talking won’t make a difference anyway.  They may assume their feelings may get hurt even more by talking.

Avoidance includes lack of effective communication.  It still sends a message.  But it’s a message that many may misinterpret.  Take the classic example of a girl getting a phone call from a guy asking her out.  She doesn’t want to go on the date.  She may choose to avoid answering and then never return his phone call, or to answer and make up an excuse that she is busy.  Both actions are meant to send the message that she is not interested.  But the guy may not “get the hint.”  It would be far more effective for her to answer the phone, thank him for the invite, and simply say she is not interested.

We either avoid because we don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings or we don’t want our own feelings to get hurt.  What we do and what we say needs to be congruent with what we truly feel.  Honesty is something I value so much.  I’ve had to be honest with others who had the potential to become upset or frustrated.  Sometimes when I’ve been honest, they have gotten upset.  But what I’ve learned is that it is far more difficult to face the consequences of being dishonest.  When I stop avoiding, I develop an increase in self-confidence in my ability to communicate effectively and to succeed in life.

Antonyms for avoid are to face, meet, seek, and want.  What happens once we face, meet, and seek those things which we want? Others might improve themselves or their work with honest feedback. Relationships can be strengthened, and communication is more effective.  Not avoiding is how people learn, grow, and reach their potential.  What are you avoiding in life?  Stop asking "what if?" and go find out.

Don't pay attention to the video, but listen to this song.

No Sugar Diets? Stop the Hate.

Recently, a few men have told me they are on no-sugar diets.  I am used to hearing this from women, but for some reason I have been even more disturbed when hearing it from men. They all tell me it’s a competition with other guys and they stay with it out of pride, not necessarily because they think sugar is bad.  However, some of them do think it’s bad. 

I submit sugar is not bad!

Here’s the low-down on what sugar actually does in the body:   Sugar starts breaking down in your mouth, then is broken down further in your stomach and small intestine and then is absorbed into the bloodstream in the form of glucose.  Glucose fuels your body’s cells, including your brain, heart, and red blood cells.  What happens if you cut table sugar out of your diet completely?  Your body still converts other carbohydrates to glucose.  It just may be a longer process.

Some people might argue that sugar causes diabetes or that sugar spikes your blood sugar faster than other forms of carbohydrates.   First, sugar does not cause diabetes.  Overeating in general, being overweight, and genetics all play a role in contributing to the onset of diabetes.  Second, sugar spikes your blood sugar faster, yes, but it doesn’t stay that way.  For those with diabetes, this can be a problem, but it’s a problem that can be remedied by moderate amounts of sugar at a time and by supplementing a source of sugar with a source of protein in order to stabilize their blood sugar.  For the rest of us, if we eat too much, we may just feel crappy but then our insulin takes care of it.

So I get that men have that drive to win a competition.  But why not have a competition to eat everything in moderation and not become crazy about sugar contained in cookies, or spaghetti sauce or yogurt for that matter?  Seriously, it’s a carbohydrate and your body will use it as long as you don’t overeat. 

Or, instead of cutting sugar out of your diet, why not have a competition to eat 5 fruits and vegetables every day?  It’s not sugar that causes bad diets; it’s lack of certain nutrients or overeating.

What I Know About Food—Eat What You Want. Love What You Eat.

I’m not a health freak.  I eat what I want when I want it.

When I was in junior high, I WAS a health freak.  I went for at least a whole year with no ice cream or candy bars.  I would dab the grease off my pizza.  Then my dad told me that that doesn’t decrease the fat content very much, so I picked the cheese off instead.  Had I been genetically pre-disposed or environmentally pre-disposed, I may have developed an eating disorder.  Luckily, I just didn’t enjoy food as much as I should have during those years, and eventually, I got over that phase.  Now, ice cream and pizza are absolutely two of my favorite foods!  They make me so happy!

Food makes life enjoyable.  One of my sisters tells me she doesn’t know what it is about me, but she gets so hungry and tends to enjoy food more when she is around me.  Best. Compliment. EVER.

Here’s a fact to help you understand how much we are to enjoy food:  Of all the senses in the body (sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell), those who have lost their sense of taste have the highest incidence of suicide.

Too often, food is thought of as good and bad.  Perhaps you deprive yourself of the bad food and choose another food as a substitute when everyone else is eating what you have forbidden yourself to eat.  You don’t feel satisfied and may end up going for another food which still doesn’t satisfy you because you don’t eat what you crave.  Because of this, you could end up eating more calories than if you had just eaten the food you were craving in the beginning.

I was at a party where a guy was choosing to drink milk instead of soda even though he wanted soda, and as I was explaining this very principle to him, he drank the milk, ate some “healthy” food, and he still wasn’t satisfied.  He ended up drinking the soda in the end.  If he had just drunk the soda to begin with, he would have consumed less calories.

You feel guilty for eating the food that tastes the best because generally, those foods are higher in fat and sugar.  The all-or-nothing thinking may set in and you tell yourself, “I may as well overeat and enjoy as much as I can now because I won’t ever eat it again.”  You think you have to deprive yourself of that food because you feel like you lose control when you eat it. 

You may figure giving high fat/high sugar foods up completely is the only way to gain self-control.  Not true.  The best way to be able to eat anything without overdoing it is to change your relationship with food, or rather, how you feel about food.  You can go from feeling guilt and deprivation to feeling enjoyment and neutrality. 

Also, consider the reasons you eat and determine how to cope with emotions instead of eating to cope.  Are you eating because you are tired? stressed? bored? lonely? sad? angry? or anxious?

Feeling out of control with food is real.  So giving yourself permission to eat certain foods may need to start small.  For example, instead of buying an entire half gallon of ice cream, go out to buy a small ice cream cone.  Enjoy it.  Savor it.  Don’t feel guilty.

The more you give yourself permission to eat "bad" foods, the more those foods lose their “sinful” appeal.  You can make the transition from depriving yourself and feeling guilty to giving yourself permission to eat and enjoying it.  

Food is meant to be enjoyed.  Eat what you want.  Love what you eat.

Rise Up

This week, I sat and listened to an amazing woman speak.   I can’t share everything I learned here, but basically Judy Brummer is a white woman born in South Africa who was raised by a Methodist mother and three black women who worked in her home.  She learned to speak Xhosa, the clicking language, from her “black moms.”  She learned to read and write that language in college.  The Mormon missionaries came to her door one day, and she listened to their message.  She was baptized and later helped translate the Book of Mormon into Xhosa.  She was told in a blessing that she was born where she was by the mother she had for a reason.  Throughout her life, she was placed in circumstances to bless her own life and the lives of others.  As I listened to her story, I recognized that this is a woman who knows her purpose in life and who does not just let life happen.  What in the world would it be like if we were to just sit around waiting for life to happen to us? 

I also received a nugget of wisdom from one of my clients.  I had given her an assignment to write some positive statements about food, what we call food affirmations.  Of the hundreds of times giving this assignment, this was the first that someone used scripture references as food affirmations.  One really stood out to me. 

“Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men.” (1 Nephi 18:2)

She told me how she feels strongly that what she is learning will help her break free from her addiction.  She explained how the eating disorder teaches her after the manner of men, and what she is learning in treatment teaches her the manner of the Lord.  Then it occurred to me that everything in our lives should be focused on doing things the Lord’s way.  This is not to say that we have to pray about every single decision made such as what shirt to put on in the morning, but it is important to figure out what we are to do and to trust in God’s plan and timing.

Both Judy and my client have taught me a lot this week and have reminded me to work on rising to my potential.  As Jackie Robinson said, “Life is not a spectator sport. If you're going to spend your whole life in the grandstand just watching what goes on, in my opinion you're wasting your life.”

Seven Years Ago

Since July is my birthday month, I tend to think about my life a lot--what I have accomplished and all the experiences I have had.  For this birthday, I decided to read through old journal entries.  I definitely learned things from myself. 

One particular entry reminded me of some of my life goals. This is part of the entry dated April 13, 2004:  

“I know I love dietetics.  I am so passionate about it and want to be dedicated to my studies and not let my dislike of classes prevent me from trying my best and giving it my all.  More than anything in life, I want to spend my life serving others and pleasing the Lord….We should not settle for mediocrity in how we prepare to work in our field because the world doesn’t settle for mediocre employees anymore….I’m grateful I wasn’t blessed with natural extraordinary brilliance. I’m grateful I have to work for what I gain.  It makes it all the sweeter….The Lord guides us because He didn’t send us here to earth to fail; he sent us here to succeed.”

Wow.  I am humbled that I have been blessed with exactly the kind of job I wanted without even thinking about it.  Serving others is hard work.  And I know I have not been doing the work on my own.  It's exhausting at times.  But it is rewarding.

Life--Live It!

What gives people the will to live?  To suffer?  To sacrifice?  Amidst sickness, loneliness, despair, physical or mental impairment, any kind of abuse, injustice, or intolerance? 

What reason do you have to live?  What if all your loved ones were taken from you?  you became paralyzed from the neck down? you lost your money and all your possessions?  your spouse left you?  enemies outnumbered friends?  you and your spouse were unable to have children?  you got turned down 100 times in a row?  you haven’t had a date for two years?  you were struck with a debilitating illness and you couldn’t care for yourself?  your freedom was taken from you?

Your identity is not everything around you or happening to you or done to you.  Certainly, all those things can affect who we are and how we think and feel, but they do not define us, at least not completely.  Each individual has a mission to fulfill.  It is how we react to situations and circumstances that matters and that proves who we are.

What is supposed to happen between birth and death?  One cannot just explain the meaning of our existence in one sentence.  We are to endure and overcome challenges placed in our paths, to experience good and bad, happiness and sadness, strength and weakness.  And for what end?   To grow and become whom we have the potential to become. I love stories of people who overcome.  I love people who overcome.

Each individual has a meaning in life.  They don't always make the right choices, but they were born with purpose.  Part of this life is to see how we will use our agency.

Many people are great examples of living life with purpose.  This includes Viktor E. Frankl, whose book Man’s Search For Meaning helps us understand how even in the most horrible of circumstances, one can choose to live on and to have purpose.  Their quality of life was poor in the concentration camps, but still they fought to live.  He tells of times when they would fight to live just one more day by getting a little bit more food, or by trying to gain favor so as to avoid being sent off to the gas chambers or to get breaks from hard labor, which could kill them given their physical state of being.  They strove to survive.  Many of us would say if we were placed in those circumstances that we would want to die.  But why didn’t they?

People like this choose to:

• rely on faith and hope in God's plan for them.
• seek learning and growth from trials.
• be positive instead of bitter.
• develop attributes such as patience, kindness, and humility.
• find gratitude.
• set goals.
• love and forgive.
• put away pride and self-interest and use their means to help others.
• avoid complacency in life.
• understand others instead of avoid others.
• tap into their talents and abilities and work on living up to their potential.

If we can endure, then who knows what blessings lie in our future?  It has been said, “The future is as bright as your faith.” (1)  If those in the concentration camp chose to surrender to death instead of strive to live, they would have given up hope that there would be an end to their suffering. One poignant example of enduring is that of Viktor Frankl, who, acting as doctor at a camp, had the chance to escape, but instead chose to remain and help his suffering patients.  

Whose example do you learn from?  Those who remain optimistic or those who are bitter?  Who has been blessed because of your kind words or acts of service or attitude?  How have you felt when you have chosen to be happy and hopeful instead of bitter and in despair?  Each person has a purpose which no one else can fulfill.  “His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden.” (2)

“Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself. I do not minimize how hard some of these events are. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do.”  (3)  

“Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome.” (4)

Christ said, “To this end was I born,” (5) when speaking of His Atonement, death, and resurrection.  He knew perfectly his purpose in life and knew it included the greatest suffering--more than any human could endure.  Our path is not as clear, but to follow Him.

1. Be of Good Cheer

2. Man's Search for Meaning, p. 67

3. Finding Joy in Life

4. Come What May, and Love It

5. John 18:37

Gooooooooooooooooal!

In life, there are so many things to learn, enjoy, experience, and accomplish.  For some reason, I have found on occasion that the more time I have, the less I do.  And when I am busy and have little time, I am very productive and get so much accomplished.  Lately, I’ve wondered why this is.  Is it because once I start being productive, I can’t stop?  Or when I have free time, do I become too accustomed to ease? 

This is what I have observed:  When I’m busy, I plan my day in order to complete all the necessary tasks for the day.  When I’m not busy, I tend to go with the flow and find there is a lot more time wasted being idle.  It is then difficult for me to find motivation to be productive again.  I think that’s why so many of us DETEST Mondays after a relaxing weekend. 

Every once in a while, I have filled my life with so many fun things that I have gotten antsy and frustrated that I don’t have down time.  I felt like I had to do all the fun things, but this resulted in slacking in other facets of my life. 

I’ve thought about how to change this.  Often, I need time to unwind and relax.  But it can become excessive.  When there are no pressing matters and we have already taken some time to relax, it is then that we can ask ourselves what we could do to make better use of our time.  But often, some might actually require setting a goal to relax if they are going non-stop.  Goals could be related to developing talents, helping others, trying or learning new things, spending time with others, or improving self. 

For me, setting goals that I want to continually work on is not a problem.  But I’ve found it is not enough.  I need to set goals for each day.  We should never be bored with life.  Fill my time--easy.  But with what?  There is something about goal setting and planning that creates purpose in my day. 

Lou Holtz said it best:  “If you're bored with life, if you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things - you don't have enough goals.”

Now I have plenty.  This week, I’ve taken the time each day to write down things I would like to do.  My list has gotten longer and longer.  It gives me something to look forward to, and I love it when I accomplish a goal and can cross it off my list. 

Blog entry

“I’m only trying to pay you a compliment.”

Compliments.  We hear and receive them all the time, some sincere and some superficial.  Many people don’t like receiving compliments.  Once, I sat with a client and asked her why she rolls her eyes and gets uncomfortable when I tell her something good about herself.  She was shocked I was asking her, but knew that I wanted to understand, so she explained.  This is what she told me:

She feels like she doesn’t deserve it,

It isn’t true,

She needs to be that much harder on herself to counteract the praise,

And she feels like she has to live up to people’s expectations and there is too
            much pressure to have the quality that she was complimented on.

Countless times, the recipient of the compliment cannot simply say, “Thank you.”  Instead, the reaction is a “thank you, but…” with an explanation of how that isn’t true.  Better yet, one that I have used is a laugh and a thank you, with the laugh implying surprise or, “That’s not how I feel, but I’m glad you feel that way.”

It is true we criticize ourselves more than anybody else will critique us.  For recipients, compliments spark introspection about where and how they fall short, whereas the giver of the compliment has a much different intention.

Prime example is this.  Giver:  “You look beautiful.”

Recipient:  Laugh and a “I didn’t even fix my hair today.”

Well, so what?  And here is where we can insert Joe Fox’s line from You’ve Got Mail:  “I’m only trying to pay you a compliment.”  The fact is that when you debate someone’s compliment, you don’t typically change their opinion.  Have you ever heard someone say, “I take that back.  I see your point.  You do look awful?”

Why is it so hard to accept a compliment without somehow disagreeing?  Or why the compulsion to deflect the attention away from self by giving a compliment in return?  Often, those who don’t like receiving compliments don’t give compliments because they run the risk of a “courtesy compliment.”  

I once told a guy I liked his tie and he said, “I like your legs.”  He would say that to anyone who complimented him just so that person would feel awkward.  His intention was truly to get the attention off of himself because he didn’t like getting complimented.  Others use the “courtesy compliment” out of obligation, and that, I believe, is when there is a high risk of hearing the most superficial and least sincere compliments.

A compliment is merely someone’s way of expressing admiration for at least one quality about you.  Most of them are sincere.  What better way to work on liking yourself than to stop invalidating people’s opinions and to start accepting compliments, superficial or not?  And what better way to give people a boost than to pay compliments?

When I Grow Up

Every kid dreams of what they will be when they grow up.  As a young girl, I dreamed about being a princess, a dancer, a doctor, a cook, and a mother.  I think it’s pretty typical for girls to think about those things when they watch Disney movies, prance around to music, play doctor, play house, pretend they host a cooking show, and play with baby dolls. 

I don’t think any girl ever dreams like this:  “When I grow up, I want to feel insecure about my worth, my body, and my abilities.”  Or this:  “When I grow up, I want to be an object for men to use.”  However, many girls struggle with these things as they transform into women.  They may become dancers, doctors, cooks, and mothers, but never develop self-worth to make them truly happy.

It is typical for young women to have low self-esteem during the awkward teenage years as they figure out their identity.  Many grow out of this “phase” when they become adults. 

I work with both adolescents and adults who struggle with this.  Many days, I wish I could tell them, “Okay, this is how to feel good about yourself.”  I sometimes tell them my story of what I didn’t like about my body and how, somehow, without really trying, the confidence came and I stopped obsessing about my looks or what people thought about me.  I stopped comparing myself to others.  I never expect my story to change their lives, but I tell it to encourage them to look for the good in themselves and fight the negative self-talk.

The world defines success as being sexy, having a special someone (or maybe they're not even that special), being popular, and being rich.  Is that what life is all about?  I tried to find inspiring pictures on good self-esteem, but instead, what came up when searching Google images was a lot of posters and comics making fun of self-esteem.  Take this one for instance:

It’s as if the demotivator is saying, “Just accept that all you are is an object.”  The poster is so degrading, it doesn't even show her face.  The words etched on her chest are, "Hate me."

Or this one:

This ad seems to equate self-confidence with sex-appeal and even desperation.  She needs to cling to a man for self-esteem.  By the looks of this photo, I imagine that she feels she doesn't deserve any better and labels herself with critical statements like this:

What defines me?  Is it my career as a dietitian?  Is it the number of friends I have?  Is it the amount of money I make?  Is it my material possessions?  Is it what I look like or how much I weigh?  Is it my talents?  Interests?  Hobbies?  All of these could define a part of who I am.  But I am more than that.  Without all those things, it is still my character and personality that are really who I am. 

As I got older, I realized it didn’t matter if I became a doctor, dancer, etc.  I set goals to serve others, to be kind and compassionate, to be patient, to be grateful, to be positive, to have integrity, to work hard, to care for my body and spirit, to develop my talents, to reach out to others, to be easygoing, to not judge others, to seek learning, and to grow from experiences, both good and bad.  I have self-confidence in these things.

Negative self-talk can be stopped.  Some have to fight harder to stop it and some can’t do it on their own.  And eventually, one can begin to believe these statements: 

I am capable.

I am smart.

I have worth.

I am beautiful.

My worth is not determined by a number.

I am not an object.

I deserve to be treated well.

I am strong.

All the people in the world can love someone and that person can get a lot of attention from others, but it doesn't compare to self-love.  Therein lies the power for confidence in identity to be solid.  That little girl can become the strong woman that she was intended to become.

The Food What?!

First, the USDA had the four basic food groups. Then, the basic food pyramid.

Then, the new and improved food pyramid, which included the importance of physical activity and whose design represented each person has individual needs within each food category.

And now, drum roll, please…the food plate chart!

Of course! It was the SHAPE that was confusing people! Now, obesity rates will decline. Why didn't they come up with that sooner?

If only it were that simple. It seems they are trying to make things more basic, when in reality, it makes it more complicated. It still leaves people wondering what their individual caloric needs are. And if you are trying to help someone lose weight and you have them go from binging daily to eating this amount of food, it will be difficult for them to stick with it because they will feel like they are starving. This can lead to even more overeating.

I agree that people need education. As one article pointed out, the rates of smoking declined greatly after education, advertising, and high taxation, so why wouldn’t the same be true of obesity rates? I’m not suggesting a tax on high calorie foods either (fat tax), although I have heard that idea tossed around more than once. There is no simple solution to change here.

The public need education, but they also need a desire to change. And they’re not going to get that from a food plate chart. That idea is absurd. I will eat my words if I am wrong, but I doubt that will be necessary.

Besides, no plates are equal. Is the government now going to implement standardized plates for everyone? People can still pile the food vertically anyway, and go back for seconds. Some people rarely use a plate. It also says to avoid over-sized portions, but a large part of the population would not get enough calories with this plate method.

More importantly, do you know anyone who has grains, protein, dairy, vegetables, fruit, and dairy for all three meals? I certainly don’t.

So thanks, but no thanks, USDA. I will stick to teaching my clients to pay attention to when they are hungry, when they are full, and if they are emotionally eating. I will teach them to have a variety and to have moderation in all things. And I will leave triangles and circles out of it for the most part, that is, unless the triangle is a pizza and the circle is a cookie. Because this dietitian believes that no one should be deprived of the good things in life.

Remembering the Sacrifices Made

Ronald Reagan gave a speech at Arlington National Cemetery:

I have no illusions about what little I can add now to the silent testimony of those who gave their lives willingly for their country....Yet, we must try to honor them -- not for their sakes alone, but for our own. And if words cannot repay the debt we owe these men, surely with our actions we must strive to keep faith with them and with the vision that led them to battle and to final sacrifice.

Our first obligation to them and ourselves is plain enough: The United States and the freedom for which it stands, the freedom for which they died, must endure and prosper. Their lives remind us that freedom is not bought cheaply. It has a cost; it imposes a burden. And just as they whom we commemorate were willing to sacrifice, so too must we -- in a less final, less heroic way -- be willing to give of ourselves.

I am grateful for the soldiers who have sacrificed their lives while fighting for the freedoms that we enjoy. I am so blessed and feel so grateful to live in this country. I don’t remember enough that this nation was founded and is protected with blood, sweat, and tears. May God bless all those who have served and are serving in the military.

I listened to this emotion-filled version of Tim McGraw's song, "If You're Reading This." My heart is full. It brought tears to my eyes, twice in a row. I hope we all remember the sacrifices made for us.