When Best Isn’t Better

I love watching an amazing football game or basketball game at a collegiate level because the players seem to play with more heart.  I love the competition and the excitement I feel after I see my team win!  This isn’t meant to spark a debate about that though.

Competitiveness has its place.  We need to make ourselves marketable when looking for jobs and applying to schools.  It’s all right to be competitive when playing sports or games, to a certain extent.  And yes, seeking to have an edge over the opponent in a presidential debate is essential.

Never Good Enough

Few things make me sadder than competition in one thing:  looks.  Both men and women have become obsessed with their bodies.  They compare to peers and to celebrities and to airbrushed bodies in magazines.  Sometimes they compare to themselves (e.g. wanting the same body they had in high school).  This competition is detrimental and unnecessary. 

What’s so bad about comparing?  It can never satisfy and never bring about happiness.  Comparing leads to some form of hatred toward others, ourselves or some part of your body.  Even if you can see that you're smaller than someone or prettier than someone, does that really make you feel good about yourself?  It often sets us up with unrealistic expectations of what we think we should look like.  Some even go to drastic measures to alter their looks with plastic surgery, breast augmentation, excessive exercise, and disordered eating habits.  Even after doing these things, the result is often the person still doesn’t feel good enough. The self-criticism doesn’t stop.  Increased muscle definition and loss of body fat may never seem good enough to satisfy the negative eye.

Confidence and Self-Care

I wish more people had confidence in themselves.  Are you only your external self?  If someone single thinks they have to have a perfect body to get married, they will continue to be too self-critical even after marriage.  From my work experience, I know without a doubt that getting married doesn’t always change how women feel about their bodies, no matter how attracted their husbands are to them.  They still compare to others, often to their own detriment.  Advice from good husbands who have sat in my office:  If they say they think you’re beautiful and find you attractive and tell you you don’t need to change, they mean it!

On the other hand, if you marry or date someone who thinks you should have a perfect body, they are likely going to be emotionally or verbally abusive if they haven’t been already.  You don’t want someone like that.  What happens when you get pregnant and your body changes?  Is he going to tell you that you need to lose weight or get a tummy tuck or he will divorce you?  As sad as that may sound, that’s a true example of the distorted way some people think.

What happens when someone wants their body to be seen as an object?  That person loses some respect for himself or herself.  And then, it's often difficult for them to find others who will respect them.

Poor self-image is in direct correlation with self-confidence.  People of all sizes can have good self-esteem and focus less on what they look like.  When people learn to stop criticizing themselves, they can learn to accept their bodies and eventually love who they are. People can’t have a healthy self-image when they think they need to be competitive in how they look.

There’s a difference between caring about what you look like and obsessing about what you look like.  Looking your best is important.  Taking care of your body is important.  Exercise is important.  Eating right is important.  But that doesn’t mean you have to nip or tuck, run until you pass out, starve yourself, or emotionally binge on food and then compensate.  Instead of one more hour at the gym, think about the numerous other possibilities of the use of your time.

More Than A Body

Stephanie Nielson is an inspiration.  She suffered from severe burns in an airplane crash and wrote a book about her experience.  Her message: I am not my body.

One of my neighbors is a paraplegic man who is always out and about in the neighborhood in his wheelchair. He didn’t allow paralysis to get him down. He got married anyway.  He never fails to give anyone a smile who passes him by. He could easily hate his body.  Some days, he might.  But I don’t think he allows that to be the focus of his day.

I’ve been inspired by a quadriplegic I heard on YouTube.  He says, “All my life, I wanted to be able to do one thing better than anybody else and was very unsuccessful, and then I had my accident and I thought, ‘Ya know, maybe I can be the best quadriplegic on a respirator that ever lived.’ And then, wouldn’t you know it, Christopher Reeve goes out and breaks his neck.  And I’m in competition with Superman.” I love his sense of humor.

Not Worth It

Think how lives could be different when people stop comparing and obsessing about their looks.  We are meant to be happy.  We weren’t given a body to worship it, nor was it given for others to worship.  So stop treating it that way.  When you work to develop confidence in yourself, the comparing tendencies can fade away.  

The Truth About Bacon

I know people, including myself, are quick to pass judgment without really getting to know a person.  One thing I'm very aware of that people judge me about are my beliefs about food.  Why? Because I'm a dietitian.  A number of my roommates have openly admitted that they were worried about living with me because they thought I would be commenting about their food choices.  One person I recently met even asked me if I counted calories and measured my food.  Even once people learn my philosophy on eating, I still get negatively judged because many still think there is some secret way to eat.

Secret:  I have only counted calories and measured food for homework, and eating was never more of a chore than it was then. It sucked the fun out of eating.  Although that was homework, my professors taught us that it is not realistic to expect people to be so rigid about their food intake.  There are many other ways to teach someone how to have a balanced diet.  

One of my roles at work is having dietary sessions with families so that they can learn how to support their loved one in recovery.  Occasionally, the parents are very much against our approach to teaching normal eating. Our approach is intuitive eating (ie eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full, don't limit any type of food from your diet, and don't diet).  I had a mother in session like that this week.

This mother was so against the concept of "no good or bad food."  She rolled her eyes and grabbed her hair at the roots with both hands to express her frustration with this concept.  She argued that we can't teach that a 100-calorie cookie is just as healthy as a 100-calorie apple.  But I was able to say something that clicked with her.  I explained that the focus isn't on nutrition because these girls are obsessed with nutrition and they already know enough about nutrition.  They already know what vitamins and minerals are in different foods.  The reason we tell them there are no good or bad foods is because they think they are bad for eating the "bad" food and good for eating the "good" food.  After that, she said, "Okay, thank you for explaining.  That, I get."  Hopefully, that conversation planted a seed for her to try to change her beliefs.

I’m not a dietitian that goes against all science.  Many people do think I’m crazy.  But I think it wasn’t until this point that I was able to articulate our philosophy in such a way that it made sense for someone who believes so strongly in good food and bad food.  I still support the fact that we need the vitamins and minerals found in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, dairy, and various sources of protein.  But eating some sweets and high fat foods does not cancel out all the benefits that these nutrients provide our bodies.  And eating those foods in appropriate portions doesn’t cause sudden weight gain, as some clients believe.  Some argue that we are putting “chemicals” into our bodies.  Those same people, however, are often addicted to diet soda and have no qualms about eating sugar-free Jello.

This woman argued she never craves broccoli, but she craves chocolate and other sweets, so how could I teach people to honor their cravings?  I pointed out to her that someone would not intuitively want sweets all day because we get sick from eating too much sugar.  She was actually able to realize that sometimes, a salad does actually sound good.

Some people will need more guidance than intuitive eating in order to know what normal portions should look like, especially when it comes to "forbidden" foods.  When I teach them that they can give themselves permission to eat what they want, they take the power away from food and put it into their own hands.

And the truth about bacon is...it never tasted so good with my all-you-can eat French toast today!

Sincere Intentions

Why are we so afraid to show people who we really are?  Why do we want to hide our true emotions?  Although I understand the importance of a filter for what is appropriate and not appropriate to say, why do we want to hide what we think?  Why can’t we be comfortable with who we are?  Can’t we still make a good first impression by being ourselves?  What good is a first impression if it’s fake anyway?  What good is a relationship anyway if it’s based on superficial expectations of how we “should” act? Or focused on saying “the right things?”  How can we expect to make any real connections with people without being real?  How can people know our true intentions if our actions aren’t congruent with our emotions or values?

“People Pleasing”

People in general want to be liked by others.  They want to feel connected.  I believe most people are inherently good.  Still, they don’t want to show everyone completely who they are for fear that people won’t like them.  They seem to hide some emotions or things that they’re insecure about.

Led by fear, many downplay or disregard their own opinions or feelings.  They may go along with whatever another person thinks or wants.  They become so afraid of rejection that they close up, get quiet, and don’t act like their normal selves.  Without ability to express opinions or feelings, the result is people-pleasing, possible resentment that others can’t mind read, and inability to express one’s true self or get one’s own needs met. 

“Barbie Face”

Have you ever tried to express sympathy to someone going through a hard time and the person smiles and says, “It’s all right,” or laughs through it?  It is common for many to think they need to act happy all the time.   Those with this mentality may have been raised with this expectation.  What comes across as perfectly normal to them is often superficial to others.  They feel like they have to keep a smile on their faces even when talking about hard things. 

Much accredited to Toy Story, I describe people like this as having the “Barbie Face.”  People may react this way to try to avoid feeling negative emotions or at least to hide any negative emotion from others.  They may fear that others will assume they are “doom and gloom.”  The reason for fake smiling is that it can be uncomfortable for them to express how they really feel, partly out of fear of how others would react. 

Feeling negative emotions is an important part of life.  It is more normal to be able to express those feelings rather than to bottle them up or smile them away.

Vulnerability

What are we afraid of?  Only each person can answer for himself.  I imagine that for many, it may be fear of offending people, fear of difference of opinion, fear of rejection, or fear of not being validated.  When I have not been genuine, I realize I’m trying to protect myself or others, but all I’m really doing is lying to avoid feeling vulnerable. 

I also realize that connections with others can be lost or become more distant when I’m insincere.  On the flip side, when I have learned that someone else was dishonest with me in the form of being insincere, I have been frustrated because I feel like the relationship isn’t real and I can’t be a good friend if I don’t know what they’re really thinking or feeling.

As painful as it may be at times, any close relationship is built on honesty in every aspect of life.  Notice I didn’t say “should be built.”  I said “is built.”  This is not to say that we shouldn’t filter what we say.  If we didn’t, there would be a lot of unnecessary, self-incriminating, or offensive information offered. I don’t know how someone could feel closer in a relationship without more open communication, especially when being genuine is paired with consideration for others.  The more sincere and honest we become, the closer we can feel to each other.  And isn’t it true that the closer we feel to someone, the more genuine we become?

Getting Personal

For me, the best friendships are those based on honesty and consideration for one another.  Two of my closest Latina friends are great at being genuine.  I don’t know if it is part of their culture, but I think culture can take some of the credit.  They are the most sincere people I know in expressing their emotions—both positive and negative.  They’re not afraid to tell me how much they care about me or how much they appreciate seeing me.  They are also some of the most honest friends I have and will be frank with me when I ask them their opinion.  Even when they give advice or constructive criticism and it’s something I may not want to hear, they still have the ability to express their opinions without being offensive. And I change for the better.  I love friends like this. 

This quote from You’ve Got Mail says so much:  “Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.”  If we’re acting like someone we are not, what is the relationship built on?  It is only when we are genuine that we can be our best selves.  That is the person that people should get to know because if we aren’t genuine, then who are we?

Believe Always

When people see raw, natural talent, they attribute the abilities of the person to God if the talent was not learned.  When music produces tears or awe-inspired chills, it directs our thoughts heavenward.  When miracles are witnessed, people believe more in help from beyond this world.  With service rendered or forgiveness granted or lives righteously altered, it also points people to Christ.

What happens when trials come?  Doubt may arise.  Faith may be questioned.  Bitterness may fester.  But those are the times when we need to believe in Christ the most.  Some choose to believe anyway.

What happens when people begin to prosper?  Their thoughts may begin to turn away from Christ. Pride puffs us up.  Some may still choose to humble themselves in gratitude for the blessings given and seek to bless others’ lives in return for their bounteous blessings.  They also choose to believe anyway.

While on the cross, Jesus heard others cry out, “He saved others; himself he cannot save.”  What little understanding these people had.  For what He could perform in His mortal life pales in comparison to the infinite bounds of mercy extended to people once the Atonement was complete.  Christ had His agency and could have chosen to save Himself, but instead, He chose to offer redemption to us all. 

How easy it is to take for granted all that God offers us.  How easy it is to forget when self-doubt, resentment, envy, anger, hurt, and discouragement enter our hearts.  How easy it is to believe only when it is convenient.  No matter what experiences are to be had in this life, we can choose to believe anyway, and always.  

People Matter

I don't usually remember my dreams.  When I do, they tend to be significant ones.  I'm not saying I get spiritual promptings from dreams, though that may be the case.  If nothing else, they leave such an impression that I am left pondering until a valuable lesson is learned. Such has been the case this week.

Dream 1
Last week, I had a crazy dream.  I was walking a client upstairs to my office and, at the landing, a girl was on the ground face down, unconscious.  It looked as though she had passed out and fallen down the stairs (which is a plausible scenario where I work).  Without acknowledging the passed out girl, we stepped over her and walked up to my office.  I distinctly remember thinking it was a nuisance to have to get around this girl.  Later, I walked down the same stairwell by myself.  That is when I actually looked long enough at the girl to realize it was one of my clients.  I could tell just from the back of her head.  It was only then that panic set in, I was concerned for the patient, and I began helping her.  I felt ashamed I hadn't paid attention to her earlier.

Dream 2
I woke up this morning after yet another crazy dream, and another.  I had a dream my sister was driving my car and backing out of a driveway.  I was watching her do so.  I watched in slow motion as she backed into a wall and crashed my car.  The dream over exaggerated what would have actually happened to my car had she been driving at that speed because the car was soon a pile of smoking car parts that we were standing over.  My brother started crying and he was angry at my sister, as if he were soon to be inheriting my car.  I reassured him, "It's just a car. At least Katelyn's okay."

Dream 3
The next dream took place in my office.  I chatted with a concerned mother who said, "What if you're not the right dietitian for my daughter?"  She doubted my abilities to help her daughter recover.  This stung a little.  I wasn't offended at all though.  My response was, "Maybe there is someone better.  What's most important is that your daughter recover, and if she needs to switch dietitians, we'll make sure it happens so that she gets the best treatment possible."  After that, the mother's countenance changed, and I knew she trusted me more.

I woke up immediately after that dream.  I  lay in bed and thought of all three of the dreams and how they seemed to tie together.  My first thought was, "People are important—not possessions, not positions, not places."  That was the lesson.  Those words repeated again and again in my head.  

People are what matter, whether you know them or not.  Desire to get only our own needs met causes us to be blind to the needs of others.  When we make people matter to us, we can understand people better, we can get offended less often, we can become more aware of those in need, we can increase in patience, and, ultimately, we can be happier.  I hope I remember this more each day.

What I Think About Being “Single”

I’m single. It’s not the first thing that comes to mind to describe myself.  In fact, it never comes to mind when telling people about myself.  But it is often an important detail to society.  Even though I don’t think “single” defines who I am, I here mention some of the things I’ve learned about being in this phase of life, much of which I am still working on applying.

Happiness no matter what phase of life

“Are you married?” is a question I get a lot from my clients.  Once, I had a thirteen-year-old ask me, “Do you even want to get married?” In their minds, they think that I must not want to get married if I’m not married already.  And they have even been shocked when I told them I’m happy.  It’s not, “I’m happy because I’m single,” or, “I’m happy despite being single.”  It’s simply, “I’m happy.”

As single people, we are encouraged to get married and have families.  So automatically, we can get frustrated if we’re not married.  But should we be miserable if it hasn’t happened yet?  Do you think married couples who can’t have children should also go around being miserable because they can’t fulfill one of God’s commandments?  You can be happy while waiting.  Being okay with being single doesn’t mean you don’t want to get married.  It just means you’re okay with who you are.  You learn patience along the way.  You learn about yourself.  And you learn how to turn a perceived trial into a phase of life to be grateful for.

There are some people who clearly convey this message:  “If I’m dating someone, I’m happy.  If I’m single, I’m miserable.”  Luckily, I don’t hang around those people too often.  What are the moments you have been happiest in your life?  I’d hope they’re not solely related to when you have been dating someone.  And it’s not to say marriage can’t add to your happiness.  But my happiest moments have been when I am productive with my time and fill life with meaningful things, and that has no relation to my marital status.

Have you ever spent time with someone who seems to be envious of what everyone else has and can’t seem to find the positive in their own lives?  Maybe you’re that person.  They may envy those who get to go on dates all the time or those who are married.  They see everyone else through rose-colored glasses.  Those who date all the time may be sick of dating or may not be getting asked out by the one person they are interested in; those who get asked out may not even want to go on dates with the people asking them out and can be very frustrated with the dating scene; and those who are married can have a number of problems in their marriage that I won’t even begin to try to list.  No matter who you see as having it together, I guarantee they all have their own set of trials.  And each can work on finding happiness no matter what phase of life.

When I’m Married…

Sometimes people wait around to do things they want to do because they think they’ll have time for it when they’re married.  What’s more extreme is some with the attitude that they’ll be happy when they’re married.  Not very realistic.  What’s the point of waiting around for that?

Happiness comes from liking who you are.  It also comes from knowing who you are, knowing what you need to work on to become a better person, knowing what you want in life, and knowing how to give of yourself.

A while ago, my mom told me that even though when you’re married and you are supposed to be united with your spouse, you are still individuals.  We each have a purpose.  Our purpose is not to wait for someone else to give us purpose.  If you don’t make time now for things that matter most, it will be no different when you’re married.  And if you’re not happy now, I would imagine that marriage would only be a temporary fix for unhappiness.  Happiness is more a way of being and an attitude rather than something given to you.

Yes, a huge part of life is to have our own families.  You can sit around and think all about how much you want to be a spouse and you want to have children, but you then make yourself stuck.  Think about what you can be doing with your time and efforts in this phase of life.  Embrace the possibilities.  Wanting to be a spouse and parent is unselfish, but you can also be unselfish in your single-ness and do so much good now.

Build Communication Skills

“The deepest way in which we are right or wrong is in our way of being toward others.” The Anatomy of Peace

The reason some relationships don’t work out is lack of communication.  Selfishness gets in the way of being willing to communicate.  It is so easy to be selfish in relationships, but not in the way one usually is selfish.  People, in one form or another, put up walls to try to protect themselves.  They don’t open up about their feelings or don’t want to talk to get clarification, automatically assume something negative, and then end the relationship.

It’s so common especially for girls to assume the worst because they’ve gotten hurt before.  They assume a guy has done or not done something, or said or not said something to hurt them.  In reality, from his perspective, he may have no stinking clue that he did anything and only wonders why the girl is so emotional.  With only mind reading and not talking about things, we can’t build a relationship because we can’t understand the other person and are always on the defensive.  I’m not saying to always assume the best either.  Communication is about finding out what is reality.

If you work on developing relationships with others in general, it is that much easier to not be selfish in a romantic relationship.

Fireworks—Not Initially Necessary

A guy friend once asked me how a date went.  I told him about the date and ended my feelings about it by saying, “I don’t know.”  My friend’s reply was, “Now wait a minute.  You don’t know? After one date, you don’t know?!”  That’s all he needed to say.  Lesson learned.

There are instances when people say they hit it off on the first date.  That means different things for different people.  But it often means there are sparks and they can see it working long-term with the other person.

I was told by a couple who has been married for over twenty years that if the main reason you marry someone is for looks, it’s going to be a difficult adjustment when those looks go away.  That’s not to say you should marry someone if you’re not attracted to them.  But hopefully you’re attracted to them for more than just their looks.

I love hearing stories of people who say that someone was more attractive the more they got to know them.  A spark could fly right away, but it comes gradually for others, and that’s okay.

Stop Being a Hypocrite

Just ponder these examples:  

1.  We want so much to be loved, but we’re upset when someone doesn’t love us back.  And yet, if there is someone we know we aren’t interested in, we just want them to leave us alone.  

2.  If we’re interested in a specific person, we want  their attention to be fully on us.  But we’re totally fine flirting with multiple people ourselves.

Notice the hypocrisy and work on eliminating it.

“There must be something wrong with you”?

That statement is something often said to explain why someone is not married.  It is more often targeted at men, but nonetheless may be directed at either gender.  What is wrong with this statement?  Nothing exactly.  There is something wrong with everyone.  Sure, you can think about what you may need to change about yourself in order to get married.  But change because you want to change. And make changes to become a better person.  Think of the type of people you like to be around the most.  Then try to develop some of those same characteristics.  But rude or nice, confident or no self-esteem whatsoever, good dresser or bad dresser, wearer of makeup or not, ugly or beautiful, any shape and size, shy or outgoing, awkward or normal—they’ve all gotten married. 

Maybe the biggest thing “wrong with you” is not making an effort to put yourself out there.  If you don’t seek for opportunities to date, it’s likely you will keep your singlehood awhile longer.  Others are fortunate enough to not have to make much effort at all, but it’s not good to try to bank on that.  To misquote Shakespeare, “some achieve [marriage] and some have [marriage] thrust upon them.”  Most are of the former variety rather than the latter.

Rejection is Part of Life

I’m so tired of hearing people say to a single person, “Well he must be an idiot if he doesn’t like you.”  Why?  What makes him an idiot? When someone doesn’t ask you out, this is my favorite explanation: “He must be gay.”  That’s right, idiot or gay; there are no other alternatives.  While those things may be true, I think it’s the exception rather than the norm for reasons they reject you.  My response in the past when people have said that to me has been, “No, he’d be an idiot if he continued to date me when he wasn’t interested.”

Be okay with others not being romantically interested.  And here’s a piece of advice that may be hard to swallow:  be okay if you see they choose someone else over you.  As single people, we are most easily offended when it comes to dating relationships.  What we fail to remind ourselves of is that most people don’t want to intentionally hurt us and most people are not vicious.

“I Hate My Life!!!” vs “A Blessing in Disguise” Mentality

People often revert to what I like to call “teenage angst tendencies” after a breakup.  They can hate the world and think that life is over.  Can someone ruin your life by rejecting you?  No.  You may feel that way, but you can always pick yourself back up, no matter how painful the process may be.  You can eventually come to the realization of something that a good friend of mine would word so beautifully:  “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?  That’s stupid.”

While talking about dating, a friend recently commented that often trials are blessings in disguise.  Love can be blind, but once you’re not in a relationship, you can sometimes see so clearly why it wouldn’t have worked out and then be grateful that it didn’t work out.

I don’t know how you can get over the hurt.  Each person has to figure that out on his own.  But expect that hurt may come again, and be okay with that possibility. There has to be a healthy balance between knowing things may not work out and taking the risk to see if another relationship will work out.

Don’t Expect Return on Investment All the Time

“Love sought is good, but giv'n unsought is better.”  William Shakespeare

I know very little about investing, but I know a lot about saving.  I know I can have money by not spending it.  Life is a lot less stressful that way.  But if I just leave it in a bank account, I will not get much of a profit from my savings.  When talking with my dad about investing, it was scary because I told him I don’t want to lose any of my hard-earned money.  He responded by reminding me that I could gain so much more by taking risks and investing some of that money.  I’ve since followed his advice.

Much like investing money, in trying to develop a romantic relationship, we often have to go through many successes and failures.  That’s life.  Many people lack confidence and would rather suppose someone is not interested before even giving the other a chance to reject them.  You may protect your heart that way, but you’ll never know if the other is interested unless you take the risk.

No one is immune to getting his heart broken.  Some may become jaded, calloused, bitter, or a number of other things.  That is a direct result of having experienced heartbreak and being unable to heal completely or being fearful of experiencing heartbreak again.   

Some of the best dating advice I’ve gotten was this:  “Stop being selfish.  Focus on getting to know the other person, without expecting anything in return.”  In other words, get over yourself and move on. Don’t let past heartbreak prevent future chances for heartbreak.  By this I’m not saying to be blind or desperate or to date because that will help you get over the other person.  It is important to learn what works and what doesn’t work for you in relationships and to use that experience when deciding to date again.  That’s wise investing.