“I’m only trying to pay you a compliment.”

Compliments.  We hear and receive them all the time, some sincere and some superficial.  Many people don’t like receiving compliments.  Once, I sat with a client and asked her why she rolls her eyes and gets uncomfortable when I tell her something good about herself.  She was shocked I was asking her, but knew that I wanted to understand, so she explained.  This is what she told me:

She feels like she doesn’t deserve it,

It isn’t true,

She needs to be that much harder on herself to counteract the praise,

And she feels like she has to live up to people’s expectations and there is too
            much pressure to have the quality that she was complimented on.

Countless times, the recipient of the compliment cannot simply say, “Thank you.”  Instead, the reaction is a “thank you, but…” with an explanation of how that isn’t true.  Better yet, one that I have used is a laugh and a thank you, with the laugh implying surprise or, “That’s not how I feel, but I’m glad you feel that way.”

It is true we criticize ourselves more than anybody else will critique us.  For recipients, compliments spark introspection about where and how they fall short, whereas the giver of the compliment has a much different intention.

Prime example is this.  Giver:  “You look beautiful.”

Recipient:  Laugh and a “I didn’t even fix my hair today.”

Well, so what?  And here is where we can insert Joe Fox’s line from You’ve Got Mail:  “I’m only trying to pay you a compliment.”  The fact is that when you debate someone’s compliment, you don’t typically change their opinion.  Have you ever heard someone say, “I take that back.  I see your point.  You do look awful?”

Why is it so hard to accept a compliment without somehow disagreeing?  Or why the compulsion to deflect the attention away from self by giving a compliment in return?  Often, those who don’t like receiving compliments don’t give compliments because they run the risk of a “courtesy compliment.”  

I once told a guy I liked his tie and he said, “I like your legs.”  He would say that to anyone who complimented him just so that person would feel awkward.  His intention was truly to get the attention off of himself because he didn’t like getting complimented.  Others use the “courtesy compliment” out of obligation, and that, I believe, is when there is a high risk of hearing the most superficial and least sincere compliments.

A compliment is merely someone’s way of expressing admiration for at least one quality about you.  Most of them are sincere.  What better way to work on liking yourself than to stop invalidating people’s opinions and to start accepting compliments, superficial or not?  And what better way to give people a boost than to pay compliments?

When I Grow Up

Every kid dreams of what they will be when they grow up.  As a young girl, I dreamed about being a princess, a dancer, a doctor, a cook, and a mother.  I think it’s pretty typical for girls to think about those things when they watch Disney movies, prance around to music, play doctor, play house, pretend they host a cooking show, and play with baby dolls. 

I don’t think any girl ever dreams like this:  “When I grow up, I want to feel insecure about my worth, my body, and my abilities.”  Or this:  “When I grow up, I want to be an object for men to use.”  However, many girls struggle with these things as they transform into women.  They may become dancers, doctors, cooks, and mothers, but never develop self-worth to make them truly happy.

It is typical for young women to have low self-esteem during the awkward teenage years as they figure out their identity.  Many grow out of this “phase” when they become adults. 

I work with both adolescents and adults who struggle with this.  Many days, I wish I could tell them, “Okay, this is how to feel good about yourself.”  I sometimes tell them my story of what I didn’t like about my body and how, somehow, without really trying, the confidence came and I stopped obsessing about my looks or what people thought about me.  I stopped comparing myself to others.  I never expect my story to change their lives, but I tell it to encourage them to look for the good in themselves and fight the negative self-talk.

The world defines success as being sexy, having a special someone (or maybe they're not even that special), being popular, and being rich.  Is that what life is all about?  I tried to find inspiring pictures on good self-esteem, but instead, what came up when searching Google images was a lot of posters and comics making fun of self-esteem.  Take this one for instance:

It’s as if the demotivator is saying, “Just accept that all you are is an object.”  The poster is so degrading, it doesn't even show her face.  The words etched on her chest are, "Hate me."

Or this one:

This ad seems to equate self-confidence with sex-appeal and even desperation.  She needs to cling to a man for self-esteem.  By the looks of this photo, I imagine that she feels she doesn't deserve any better and labels herself with critical statements like this:

What defines me?  Is it my career as a dietitian?  Is it the number of friends I have?  Is it the amount of money I make?  Is it my material possessions?  Is it what I look like or how much I weigh?  Is it my talents?  Interests?  Hobbies?  All of these could define a part of who I am.  But I am more than that.  Without all those things, it is still my character and personality that are really who I am. 

As I got older, I realized it didn’t matter if I became a doctor, dancer, etc.  I set goals to serve others, to be kind and compassionate, to be patient, to be grateful, to be positive, to have integrity, to work hard, to care for my body and spirit, to develop my talents, to reach out to others, to be easygoing, to not judge others, to seek learning, and to grow from experiences, both good and bad.  I have self-confidence in these things.

Negative self-talk can be stopped.  Some have to fight harder to stop it and some can’t do it on their own.  And eventually, one can begin to believe these statements: 

I am capable.

I am smart.

I have worth.

I am beautiful.

My worth is not determined by a number.

I am not an object.

I deserve to be treated well.

I am strong.

All the people in the world can love someone and that person can get a lot of attention from others, but it doesn't compare to self-love.  Therein lies the power for confidence in identity to be solid.  That little girl can become the strong woman that she was intended to become.

The Food What?!

First, the USDA had the four basic food groups. Then, the basic food pyramid.

Then, the new and improved food pyramid, which included the importance of physical activity and whose design represented each person has individual needs within each food category.

And now, drum roll, please…the food plate chart!

Of course! It was the SHAPE that was confusing people! Now, obesity rates will decline. Why didn't they come up with that sooner?

If only it were that simple. It seems they are trying to make things more basic, when in reality, it makes it more complicated. It still leaves people wondering what their individual caloric needs are. And if you are trying to help someone lose weight and you have them go from binging daily to eating this amount of food, it will be difficult for them to stick with it because they will feel like they are starving. This can lead to even more overeating.

I agree that people need education. As one article pointed out, the rates of smoking declined greatly after education, advertising, and high taxation, so why wouldn’t the same be true of obesity rates? I’m not suggesting a tax on high calorie foods either (fat tax), although I have heard that idea tossed around more than once. There is no simple solution to change here.

The public need education, but they also need a desire to change. And they’re not going to get that from a food plate chart. That idea is absurd. I will eat my words if I am wrong, but I doubt that will be necessary.

Besides, no plates are equal. Is the government now going to implement standardized plates for everyone? People can still pile the food vertically anyway, and go back for seconds. Some people rarely use a plate. It also says to avoid over-sized portions, but a large part of the population would not get enough calories with this plate method.

More importantly, do you know anyone who has grains, protein, dairy, vegetables, fruit, and dairy for all three meals? I certainly don’t.

So thanks, but no thanks, USDA. I will stick to teaching my clients to pay attention to when they are hungry, when they are full, and if they are emotionally eating. I will teach them to have a variety and to have moderation in all things. And I will leave triangles and circles out of it for the most part, that is, unless the triangle is a pizza and the circle is a cookie. Because this dietitian believes that no one should be deprived of the good things in life.