What Is Beauty?

For much of my time at work, I listen to women express how much they hate their bodies. For all, it is a psychological problem related to distorted body image and unrealistic expectations for themselves. For many, poor body image is worsened by critical comments from others about their bodies. For some, trauma has prompted much of this self-loathing. These women lack self-esteem and self-worth for these reasons.

Lack of self-esteem is common for many women, not just women with eating disorders. It is common for people in general. But for women, self-esteem is often related to looks. We live in a society that seeks to define beauty for us. Media bombards us with air-brushed images that supposedly define beauty. In reality, those images provide men and women with a distorted view of what women are supposed to look like. Studies show that women who read magazines have poorer body image than women who do not read magazines. Women compare themselves to these images and become more critical of themselves.

I was about thirteen years old when I first weighed more than my mother. I thought to myself, “That is so not right.” I mentioned to my mother that I felt fat, that I shouldn’t weigh more than her because she is three inches taller than me. Her response was exactly what I needed to hear, and it was that the numbers on the scale don’t matter, and I look fine. I spent a lot of time being critical of my body and comparing myself to others. But because of my mom’s comment, I never tried to control my weight.

I never thought I was beautiful until college. In high school, I accepted my body, accepted my looks, but still didn’t like what I saw. My parents and some others had told me I was beautiful before. I accepted the compliments but never internalized them. It wasn’t until a guy I dated told me I was beautiful that I truly believed it. He said I was the most beautiful girl on campus, and he would tell me I was beautiful every time I saw him. Of course, I was out of adolescence at this point and my self-esteem was improving since I was out of the awkward phase of high school life, so it was easier to accept compliments. But his compliments were the turning point for me. I wasn’t delusional and knew that I wasn’t the most beautiful girl on campus, but I believed that he thought I was.

Over the seven years since then, many have given me compliments. Some I had received for as long as I can remember, like people saying they love my hair. But what was strange to me was that people starting complimenting me on what I considered to be my imperfections. One girl said I have the most perfect nose she had ever seen. People said I have cute feet. They told me I have a cute butt and that they wanted curves like mine. They said they wished they had my complexion. They said they love my eyes. They liked my hands, my legs, my chin. Some of you may be reading this and be thinking of any of the above, “Why would they like that about her?” I have thought that myself.

This taught me something though. It taught me that beauty is different to everyone. We are all beautiful. It sounds cheesy, I know. But we spend so much time criticizing ourselves when we should be the ones who love ourselves the most. We can learn to accept our bodies even if we aren’t in love with all its different parts. As I got many compliments about things I didn’t like about myself, I realized this truth: Why worry about something that no one else is worrying about? We are our worst critics. I say to any negative thought process (yours or mine), “Oh, stop it!” Perfection is not about shape or size or looks or clothing. It’s not about grades or promotions or our material possessions either. And it most certainly is not about despising everything about ourselves. It is about coming unto Christ and being a little kinder, serving others, repenting and keeping the commandments.

I am grateful for a gospel perspective. Many remember a talk given by Elder Holland in General Conference about not wearing beach attire to church. But that talk includes something of much greater importance:

“I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else. We are all different….And almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they are not! But as one adviser to teenage girls said: ‘You can’t live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power’….And if you are obsessing over being a size 2, you won’t be very surprised when your daughter or the Mia Maid in your class does the same and makes herself physically ill trying to accomplish it….One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around us.”

I witness change take place in many of my clients. I witness healing. I witness power in stopping the negative thought process. Many of these women go from self-loathing to self-acceptance to self-love. They become more self-confident throughout their treatment. It isn’t because I sit there and tell them how beautiful they are. They wouldn’t believe me if I did. But it is because they begin to see the beauty in themselves as they work to heal. They learn what true beauty is.