“I’m only trying to pay you a compliment.”

Compliments.  We hear and receive them all the time, some sincere and some superficial.  Many people don’t like receiving compliments.  Once, I sat with a client and asked her why she rolls her eyes and gets uncomfortable when I tell her something good about herself.  She was shocked I was asking her, but knew that I wanted to understand, so she explained.  This is what she told me:

She feels like she doesn’t deserve it,

It isn’t true,

She needs to be that much harder on herself to counteract the praise,

And she feels like she has to live up to people’s expectations and there is too
            much pressure to have the quality that she was complimented on.

Countless times, the recipient of the compliment cannot simply say, “Thank you.”  Instead, the reaction is a “thank you, but…” with an explanation of how that isn’t true.  Better yet, one that I have used is a laugh and a thank you, with the laugh implying surprise or, “That’s not how I feel, but I’m glad you feel that way.”

It is true we criticize ourselves more than anybody else will critique us.  For recipients, compliments spark introspection about where and how they fall short, whereas the giver of the compliment has a much different intention.

Prime example is this.  Giver:  “You look beautiful.”

Recipient:  Laugh and a “I didn’t even fix my hair today.”

Well, so what?  And here is where we can insert Joe Fox’s line from You’ve Got Mail:  “I’m only trying to pay you a compliment.”  The fact is that when you debate someone’s compliment, you don’t typically change their opinion.  Have you ever heard someone say, “I take that back.  I see your point.  You do look awful?”

Why is it so hard to accept a compliment without somehow disagreeing?  Or why the compulsion to deflect the attention away from self by giving a compliment in return?  Often, those who don’t like receiving compliments don’t give compliments because they run the risk of a “courtesy compliment.”  

I once told a guy I liked his tie and he said, “I like your legs.”  He would say that to anyone who complimented him just so that person would feel awkward.  His intention was truly to get the attention off of himself because he didn’t like getting complimented.  Others use the “courtesy compliment” out of obligation, and that, I believe, is when there is a high risk of hearing the most superficial and least sincere compliments.

A compliment is merely someone’s way of expressing admiration for at least one quality about you.  Most of them are sincere.  What better way to work on liking yourself than to stop invalidating people’s opinions and to start accepting compliments, superficial or not?  And what better way to give people a boost than to pay compliments?