When I Grow Up

Every kid dreams of what they will be when they grow up.  As a young girl, I dreamed about being a princess, a dancer, a doctor, a cook, and a mother.  I think it’s pretty typical for girls to think about those things when they watch Disney movies, prance around to music, play doctor, play house, pretend they host a cooking show, and play with baby dolls. 

I don’t think any girl ever dreams like this:  “When I grow up, I want to feel insecure about my worth, my body, and my abilities.”  Or this:  “When I grow up, I want to be an object for men to use.”  However, many girls struggle with these things as they transform into women.  They may become dancers, doctors, cooks, and mothers, but never develop self-worth to make them truly happy.

It is typical for young women to have low self-esteem during the awkward teenage years as they figure out their identity.  Many grow out of this “phase” when they become adults. 

I work with both adolescents and adults who struggle with this.  Many days, I wish I could tell them, “Okay, this is how to feel good about yourself.”  I sometimes tell them my story of what I didn’t like about my body and how, somehow, without really trying, the confidence came and I stopped obsessing about my looks or what people thought about me.  I stopped comparing myself to others.  I never expect my story to change their lives, but I tell it to encourage them to look for the good in themselves and fight the negative self-talk.

The world defines success as being sexy, having a special someone (or maybe they're not even that special), being popular, and being rich.  Is that what life is all about?  I tried to find inspiring pictures on good self-esteem, but instead, what came up when searching Google images was a lot of posters and comics making fun of self-esteem.  Take this one for instance:

It’s as if the demotivator is saying, “Just accept that all you are is an object.”  The poster is so degrading, it doesn't even show her face.  The words etched on her chest are, "Hate me."

Or this one:

This ad seems to equate self-confidence with sex-appeal and even desperation.  She needs to cling to a man for self-esteem.  By the looks of this photo, I imagine that she feels she doesn't deserve any better and labels herself with critical statements like this:

What defines me?  Is it my career as a dietitian?  Is it the number of friends I have?  Is it the amount of money I make?  Is it my material possessions?  Is it what I look like or how much I weigh?  Is it my talents?  Interests?  Hobbies?  All of these could define a part of who I am.  But I am more than that.  Without all those things, it is still my character and personality that are really who I am. 

As I got older, I realized it didn’t matter if I became a doctor, dancer, etc.  I set goals to serve others, to be kind and compassionate, to be patient, to be grateful, to be positive, to have integrity, to work hard, to care for my body and spirit, to develop my talents, to reach out to others, to be easygoing, to not judge others, to seek learning, and to grow from experiences, both good and bad.  I have self-confidence in these things.

Negative self-talk can be stopped.  Some have to fight harder to stop it and some can’t do it on their own.  And eventually, one can begin to believe these statements: 

I am capable.

I am smart.

I have worth.

I am beautiful.

My worth is not determined by a number.

I am not an object.

I deserve to be treated well.

I am strong.

All the people in the world can love someone and that person can get a lot of attention from others, but it doesn't compare to self-love.  Therein lies the power for confidence in identity to be solid.  That little girl can become the strong woman that she was intended to become.