“I’m only trying to pay you a compliment.”

Compliments.  We hear and receive them all the time, some sincere and some superficial.  Many people don’t like receiving compliments.  Once, I sat with a client and asked her why she rolls her eyes and gets uncomfortable when I tell her something good about herself.  She was shocked I was asking her, but knew that I wanted to understand, so she explained.  This is what she told me:

She feels like she doesn’t deserve it,

It isn’t true,

She needs to be that much harder on herself to counteract the praise,

And she feels like she has to live up to people’s expectations and there is too
            much pressure to have the quality that she was complimented on.

Countless times, the recipient of the compliment cannot simply say, “Thank you.”  Instead, the reaction is a “thank you, but…” with an explanation of how that isn’t true.  Better yet, one that I have used is a laugh and a thank you, with the laugh implying surprise or, “That’s not how I feel, but I’m glad you feel that way.”

It is true we criticize ourselves more than anybody else will critique us.  For recipients, compliments spark introspection about where and how they fall short, whereas the giver of the compliment has a much different intention.

Prime example is this.  Giver:  “You look beautiful.”

Recipient:  Laugh and a “I didn’t even fix my hair today.”

Well, so what?  And here is where we can insert Joe Fox’s line from You’ve Got Mail:  “I’m only trying to pay you a compliment.”  The fact is that when you debate someone’s compliment, you don’t typically change their opinion.  Have you ever heard someone say, “I take that back.  I see your point.  You do look awful?”

Why is it so hard to accept a compliment without somehow disagreeing?  Or why the compulsion to deflect the attention away from self by giving a compliment in return?  Often, those who don’t like receiving compliments don’t give compliments because they run the risk of a “courtesy compliment.”  

I once told a guy I liked his tie and he said, “I like your legs.”  He would say that to anyone who complimented him just so that person would feel awkward.  His intention was truly to get the attention off of himself because he didn’t like getting complimented.  Others use the “courtesy compliment” out of obligation, and that, I believe, is when there is a high risk of hearing the most superficial and least sincere compliments.

A compliment is merely someone’s way of expressing admiration for at least one quality about you.  Most of them are sincere.  What better way to work on liking yourself than to stop invalidating people’s opinions and to start accepting compliments, superficial or not?  And what better way to give people a boost than to pay compliments?

When I Grow Up

Every kid dreams of what they will be when they grow up.  As a young girl, I dreamed about being a princess, a dancer, a doctor, a cook, and a mother.  I think it’s pretty typical for girls to think about those things when they watch Disney movies, prance around to music, play doctor, play house, pretend they host a cooking show, and play with baby dolls. 

I don’t think any girl ever dreams like this:  “When I grow up, I want to feel insecure about my worth, my body, and my abilities.”  Or this:  “When I grow up, I want to be an object for men to use.”  However, many girls struggle with these things as they transform into women.  They may become dancers, doctors, cooks, and mothers, but never develop self-worth to make them truly happy.

It is typical for young women to have low self-esteem during the awkward teenage years as they figure out their identity.  Many grow out of this “phase” when they become adults. 

I work with both adolescents and adults who struggle with this.  Many days, I wish I could tell them, “Okay, this is how to feel good about yourself.”  I sometimes tell them my story of what I didn’t like about my body and how, somehow, without really trying, the confidence came and I stopped obsessing about my looks or what people thought about me.  I stopped comparing myself to others.  I never expect my story to change their lives, but I tell it to encourage them to look for the good in themselves and fight the negative self-talk.

The world defines success as being sexy, having a special someone (or maybe they're not even that special), being popular, and being rich.  Is that what life is all about?  I tried to find inspiring pictures on good self-esteem, but instead, what came up when searching Google images was a lot of posters and comics making fun of self-esteem.  Take this one for instance:

It’s as if the demotivator is saying, “Just accept that all you are is an object.”  The poster is so degrading, it doesn't even show her face.  The words etched on her chest are, "Hate me."

Or this one:

This ad seems to equate self-confidence with sex-appeal and even desperation.  She needs to cling to a man for self-esteem.  By the looks of this photo, I imagine that she feels she doesn't deserve any better and labels herself with critical statements like this:

What defines me?  Is it my career as a dietitian?  Is it the number of friends I have?  Is it the amount of money I make?  Is it my material possessions?  Is it what I look like or how much I weigh?  Is it my talents?  Interests?  Hobbies?  All of these could define a part of who I am.  But I am more than that.  Without all those things, it is still my character and personality that are really who I am. 

As I got older, I realized it didn’t matter if I became a doctor, dancer, etc.  I set goals to serve others, to be kind and compassionate, to be patient, to be grateful, to be positive, to have integrity, to work hard, to care for my body and spirit, to develop my talents, to reach out to others, to be easygoing, to not judge others, to seek learning, and to grow from experiences, both good and bad.  I have self-confidence in these things.

Negative self-talk can be stopped.  Some have to fight harder to stop it and some can’t do it on their own.  And eventually, one can begin to believe these statements: 

I am capable.

I am smart.

I have worth.

I am beautiful.

My worth is not determined by a number.

I am not an object.

I deserve to be treated well.

I am strong.

All the people in the world can love someone and that person can get a lot of attention from others, but it doesn't compare to self-love.  Therein lies the power for confidence in identity to be solid.  That little girl can become the strong woman that she was intended to become.

The Food What?!

First, the USDA had the four basic food groups. Then, the basic food pyramid.

Then, the new and improved food pyramid, which included the importance of physical activity and whose design represented each person has individual needs within each food category.

And now, drum roll, please…the food plate chart!

Of course! It was the SHAPE that was confusing people! Now, obesity rates will decline. Why didn't they come up with that sooner?

If only it were that simple. It seems they are trying to make things more basic, when in reality, it makes it more complicated. It still leaves people wondering what their individual caloric needs are. And if you are trying to help someone lose weight and you have them go from binging daily to eating this amount of food, it will be difficult for them to stick with it because they will feel like they are starving. This can lead to even more overeating.

I agree that people need education. As one article pointed out, the rates of smoking declined greatly after education, advertising, and high taxation, so why wouldn’t the same be true of obesity rates? I’m not suggesting a tax on high calorie foods either (fat tax), although I have heard that idea tossed around more than once. There is no simple solution to change here.

The public need education, but they also need a desire to change. And they’re not going to get that from a food plate chart. That idea is absurd. I will eat my words if I am wrong, but I doubt that will be necessary.

Besides, no plates are equal. Is the government now going to implement standardized plates for everyone? People can still pile the food vertically anyway, and go back for seconds. Some people rarely use a plate. It also says to avoid over-sized portions, but a large part of the population would not get enough calories with this plate method.

More importantly, do you know anyone who has grains, protein, dairy, vegetables, fruit, and dairy for all three meals? I certainly don’t.

So thanks, but no thanks, USDA. I will stick to teaching my clients to pay attention to when they are hungry, when they are full, and if they are emotionally eating. I will teach them to have a variety and to have moderation in all things. And I will leave triangles and circles out of it for the most part, that is, unless the triangle is a pizza and the circle is a cookie. Because this dietitian believes that no one should be deprived of the good things in life.

Remembering the Sacrifices Made

Ronald Reagan gave a speech at Arlington National Cemetery:

I have no illusions about what little I can add now to the silent testimony of those who gave their lives willingly for their country....Yet, we must try to honor them -- not for their sakes alone, but for our own. And if words cannot repay the debt we owe these men, surely with our actions we must strive to keep faith with them and with the vision that led them to battle and to final sacrifice.

Our first obligation to them and ourselves is plain enough: The United States and the freedom for which it stands, the freedom for which they died, must endure and prosper. Their lives remind us that freedom is not bought cheaply. It has a cost; it imposes a burden. And just as they whom we commemorate were willing to sacrifice, so too must we -- in a less final, less heroic way -- be willing to give of ourselves.

I am grateful for the soldiers who have sacrificed their lives while fighting for the freedoms that we enjoy. I am so blessed and feel so grateful to live in this country. I don’t remember enough that this nation was founded and is protected with blood, sweat, and tears. May God bless all those who have served and are serving in the military.

I listened to this emotion-filled version of Tim McGraw's song, "If You're Reading This." My heart is full. It brought tears to my eyes, twice in a row. I hope we all remember the sacrifices made for us.

More to Life

I’ve had this quote up in my room for a few months. It was one of my rare attempts to be crafty. Usually, it reminds me to not do too many things at once. But when I read it the other night, I looked at it in a whole new light. This time, it reminded me of the importance of accepting the Lord’s timing.

We often expect life to come at us faster, thinking that if we get what we want out of life sooner rather than later, we are successful or even more blessed than others. But the Lord expects us to learn patience. That could be with education, wealth, possessions, physical stamina, or any other desires we have or goals we set for ourselves. The happiest people I’ve known are those who not only set goals but who are also patiently working to achieve those goals.

As children, we learn from Aesop’s fable that slow and steady wins the race. But so many of us have the Veruca complex and with everything say, “I want it now!” In reality, we should be more like “cheer up” Charlie. And I don’t even know why I referenced that movie because I don’t like it, but hey, it is so applicable!

Life can become so fast-paced if we allow it. Sometimes we think the busier we are, the better. If we spend more time on trivial things, we obviously have less time for what is most important. Without even trying, stress levels rise and happiness declines. The most demanding times in life are the moments we need to slow down the most.

In conjunction with this, I’ve learned another principle: Silence is golden. It provides time for deep introspection. We can evaluate if our actions coincide with our priorities and if our priorities align with what we want out of life.

I love slowing down, but please, if you are driving in front of me, don’t apply this principle literally. J

My Happy Place

When I am stressed, I go to my happy place. It is a state of mind that changes my attitude about life. My happy place has always been the beach. There are plenty of other peaceful places: the mountains, the temple, my home, anywhere outside with a good view or sunny weather. But when I go to my happy place, I imagine myself sitting on the beach soaking in the sun. There is a calm breeze. The water is perfect temperature and the weather is just hot enough so that you can get wet but you don’t need to get wet in order to be cool. The only sound you hear is the ocean. The beach is a place I have rarely gone to literally, but when I am there, I love it.

Happiness can seem so far away, and the beach is so far away from me. But happiness and peace are right at our fingertips. I was at the beach over the weekend with my family. I felt the most relaxed I have been in a long time. I forgot about life and instead focused on the sand between my toes and the warmth of the sun on my skin. It is such a peaceful place. It has continued to lift my mood for the whole week.

Sometimes I think I can be perfectly content sitting on the beach for the rest of my life. I pointed this out to a co-worker who had lived in Hawaii when going to school there, and she said that after a while of going to the beach every day, she got so sick of it. That made me reflect on whether the beach really is my happy place. Would I find joy in laying out in the sun day in and day out? No. I find joy in serving others, in living the gospel, in working hard, in spending time with friends and family. And I may need to imagine myself sitting on the beach when I am stressed, but I can be in my happy place always. I can always find peace if I am looking for it.

How I Know

I was not there to see Christ heal the blind, the deaf, the sick, or the lame. I did not see him raise the dead. But I didn’t need to. I know He did these things because I have experienced the healing power of the Atonement for myself—healing from sin, sorrow, loneliness, heartbreak, weakness, and sickness. Experiences throughout my life have witnessed to me that there is in reality a Savior and Redeemer.

I have not seen angels, but I know they attend each one of us and help us in times of need. They are there even in times of joy. I have prayed for angels to be round about me, and many have come in the form of mortal beings. He has placed people in my path who didn’t even know me but who have given me counsel or comfort that was greatly needed. I have also been the recipient of phone calls or visits from friends or family at the very moment I needed them. And those individuals would only be able to do that if they were being an instrument in the Lord’s hands.

I have seen this take place in others’ lives as well. One co-worker who works in the kitchen felt prompted to buy flowers for another co-worker who works in the front office. These women, I would say, only know each other on a superficial basis. Sure enough, the recipient had been going through a trial, and that act of kindness gave her comfort.

Although rare, there have been times when I have felt lonely—even when surrounded by friends and family. When I turned to the Lord, the loneliness disappeared, sometimes slowly and sometimes in an instant.

The Savior has helped me to accomplish what I could not do on my own. He has given me knowledge and understanding. He has made it possible for me to accomplish all that I need to when it seems time is working against me. He has helped me find joy as I forget myself in the service of others. The weight of my burdens or the weight of helping another bear their burdens has become lifted or lightened as I have turned to the Savior. Christ has given me a change of heart to love others more fully, to understand others better, and to know how to help them as I have prayed for these things.

Music is powerful and can invite the Spirit. Hymns and other music with powerful messages stir up emotion. It can be heavenly and has testified to me countless times of God’s divinity.

The beauty of this world astounds me. As I look at the gorgeous mountains, the blossoming trees, the lightning storms, the starry skies, and the colorful sunsets, no one can convince me that this world came together by coincidence. This world was organized by a God who loves us. We are blessed to be able to enjoy these creations.

Death is inevitable. It is beautiful. It is a heavenly experience. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Life is sacred, and death is somber. Life is buoyant and hopeful. Death is solemn and dark. It is awesome in its silence and certainty” (“The Empty Tomb Bore Testimony,” May 1988). Recently having a grandmother preparing to leave this world, I know the veil is thin and heaven seems so near in a person’s final hours. Death stirs in people a desire to know, or a reminder of, what the purpose of life is and whether there is life after death. Having heard the experiences of others watching a loved one pass away, I cannot doubt that there is a plan for each of God’s children. The ultimate purpose of life is to live worthy to return to live with God. “And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent” (John 17:3). Of this I am certain. And it is made possible through the redemptive power of Christ.

I know for myself that God lives because I have prayed and I have read the words of God in His scriptures. I read stories from the Savior’s life and I am awed and inspired by His tender mercy. I know He lives because of the many experiences throughout my life. I learn who I am, who I want to become, and how I can become that person.